As I look back over my life so far, I find it odd that periods in my adult life have been defined by each decade...20's, 30's and 40's. Let me explain. And it's very personal, but I want you to know how I got to where I am.
My 20's are best described as "show me the party". I was single, worked for one of the largest US banks on the corporate side, and lived in big cities. I flew to lots of places and lived in hotels for a few years. Money flowed, as did the beer and other adult beverages. I was my only concern. I grew up in church, but did not attend regularly until my later 20's. "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it", Proverbs 22:6. I didn't depart, I just took a detour. I really, really enjoyed my 20's.
I got married just six weeks before my thirtieth birthday. I also left my corporate job then for a small town bank job. Big change in lifestyle! My 30's were all about starting a family. That didn't go so well. At 32 I had our first daughter. The pregnancy was flawless, the delivery wasn't. They say you forget the pain....not so. That's a lie. But I got a perfect baby girl out of the deal! Our plan was to have our children two years apart. We had not yet realized that God is in control, not us, and His plans are not always the same. We lost the second baby just two weeks after realizing we were pregnant. Not so big a deal....according to statistics 25% of all pregnancies miscarry. We went camping with friends that very day to get our minds off what might have been. A few months later, we lost another baby in the second month of pregnancy. This was a little harder, but my mother-in-law passed away two days later and our minds were distracted by that. It really sucked because my husband was out of town on business that week. I called him to tell him we lost the baby, then I called him and told him his mother had died. Yikes. He came home. We waited a little longer, got pregnant again, and lost it too. Now I'm not handling things so well and am on Prozac. I desperately wanted to know why we kept losing babies, but there were no answers. There was nothing we could do to help out. Anxiety became a big part of me. I suppose I was not a lot of fun to be around. I know I got on my doctor's nerves. There is probably a psychological note in my file. Unstable would be a fair description. I can say this now that I am on the other side. This was the point I began trusting more in God's plan for my life than I did my plan. It seems that when we are at our lowest we draw closer to Him. Did he place these circumstances in my life to draw me closer? Perhaps. The Bible tells us that all things work to His good will and pleasure. He would find pleasure in my drawing closer to and trusting Him. I see myself making the transition from it being all about me, to it being more about Him. I gave up some control. Just some, not all. At age 36 we successfully delivered our second daughter. She is the last. I figured I would quit with a win. I'm not sure I could have taken any more losses and remained sane. Then there went the hormones! After returning to my pre-pregnancy weight, which I thought at the time was too high and would die for now, I proceeded to gain fifty (50!) pounds in six months. It physically hurt to gain weight that fast. I only gained twenty-five while pregnant, over nine months. Emotionally I was a mess. I felt like something was wrong, but again there were no answers. I felt out of control, but I think most people just thought I was crazy. More psychological notes in my file, I'm sure. And to top it all off, I got my post-baccalaureate certification to teach music and started a whole new career as a band director simultaneously as all of the above. I was crazy. I really, really did NOT enjoy my thirties.
Now I'm in my 40's, almost to the mid point. Things are much better. I feel better and back in control. Why? What changed? It's funny - to feel in control again, I gave up control and turned it all over to God. My life is still a mess sometimes, but the stress is waaaaaay less. Hopefully I am a better person to be around. I'm a better teacher now, I know. I think I'm a better mom and working on being a better wife. My husband probably has suffered the most through it all, God bless him! I'm glad he hung in there. I am de-cluttering my house which is having the therapeutic effect of de-cluttering my life. I have found will power where previously there was none. There are many verses I have claimed, but the one over all verse that best describes my journey now is "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me" (Phillipians 4:13). I still have a loooooong way to go, but there aren't any more psychological notes in my file (I don't think). Today I give all the glory to God for who I am, it is not at all about me. I live my life to not fall short in honoring Him. I mess up a good bit, but thank goodness for grace. I am LOVING my 40's!
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